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Jokes- Lee Mack

“I got recognised today in Dixons, a member of staff came up to me and said ‘hey your that mad bloke off the tele’, I went ‘thats me’, and he went ‘no, your that mad bloke….off the tele!’”

(about cars) “I would say ‘has it got a cup holder, and will it make birds touch my cock?’”.

“I’m in a relationship at the moment…sorry girls…it’s going to have to be your place.”

“A market researcher said ‘can I ask you 10 questions’, I said ‘go on’, she said ‘question number 1 have you ever had a blackout?’ I said ‘no’, she went…’and finally, question number 10.’”

“My wife, shes carrying our first child…he’s 8, the lazy little fucker!”

“Is that a gun in your pocket or you just pleased to see me? No its me knob.”

“I look like one of those kids who’s going to get a free trip to Disneyland.”

“My dad, kind of bloke could read out a telephone directory and It’d be funny…to be fair, he used to do it with his cock out.”

“Hey, you couldn’t write stuff like that could ya!! Of course you could…I did”.

(about ‘They Think It’s all Over’) “They did 19 series and then I did 1 and they cancelled it.”

What do you call a blonde with brains. A labrador.

(to the French) You lot will never have the pleasure of coming home as a 14 year old boy, thinking you’re only getting beans on toast and then going “oh hello, there’s little sausages in their”.

I`ve got two children. To be honest I always wanted 3 children. Now I`ve got two, I only want one.

“My dad, kind of bloke could read out a telephone directory and It’d be funny…to be fair, he used to do it with his cock out.”

I was on a phone call with the HSBC and they said when are you gonna pay off this overdraft? I said you know what outside southeast asia its rude to call people up and ask them for money!

I remember the last thing my nan said to me before she died. ‘What are you doing here with that hammer?’

Drinking and driving is safer than either drinking or driving - and no one has ever died drinking, driving and juggling.